Growing up, I hardly remember hearing the word depression, and definitely didn't know anyone, who openly went through it. Although I knew what depression was, it took me ages to actually identify, that I was going though it.
After 8 years, I can now look back and identify why and where, things started to go down hill for me. For a long time, I questioned myself and wondered what was happening.
I could try and explain to you what its like, going through depression but honestly, I don't think you will fully understand, unless you go through it, or live with someone who is going through it.
There was a time where, I didn't even want to get back to being my normal self. I was so lost and confused. I couldn't see how life could ever get better. I gave up on everything and no longer wanted to be here.
Things started to slightly change, when I noticed how my unpredictable behavior, was affecting my immediate family and seeing my mum break down, begging me to get help. I genuinely didn't want help but there's nothing I wouldn't do for my mum and it broke my heart, to see her in that state. At that point, I had no support besides my mum and two brothers. I no longer had any friends and no longer had a job. I had nothing.
I finally plucked up the courage, to go and see my doctor with my mum. It was really hard and emotional but it was the first step, of getting my life back together. My doctor had a long conversation with us and offered me counseling. For me, counseling was a straight no no. I was never the type to talk to people about my problems, so talking to a complete stranger would have made me feel way to uncomfortable. I had previously heard about antidepressants but it was always in a negative way. Ive never been one to not do something because of what everyone else had to say and I decided that this was my best option. About a week later, I could already feel the difference within myself. I was a lot more fidgety because I had more energy and I started to want to leave my room and socialise with my family a bit more.
Anyway enough of that gloomy stuff. Fast forward, I have been on antidepressants for about 7/8 years now and depression has been a constant battle. I have had so many relapses and gone back to that dark place but recently things have changed for the better. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and I am on a constant journey, of trying to change my mind frame and become more confident and positive. I have also lowed my dosage of antidepressants for the second time but this time its going well. Sometimes I look back on my life and even though to a lot of people, my life probably seems basic, for me, I have come a very long way.
There was a time where I literally stayed in bed, in my dark bedroom and didn't see or speak to anyone for weeks. I lost a lot of weight because I barely ate. I would only leave my room to use the bathroom and grab a drink, when my family would be out or sleeping.
I am now back to working, blogging, socialising, meeting new people, making new friends and in a relationship. Trust me when I say, I never ever thought the day would come, when I could do such simple things.
Its great to reflect back on life sometimes and acknowledge, your achievements, no matter how small they may be.
So, am I over depression? I think I am. I still get really worried/stressed about things but I'm learning how to deal with things. I plan on coming off of my medication, by the end of the year. I'm kind of scared but also proud and excited lol, wish me luck guys.
Please be positive and things will get better. I am living proof that you can one day overcome depression. Please feel free to message me, if you want to talk or have any questions.
There is light at the end of the tunnel xxx
